Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.