@scottthetwat

Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.

@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

@scottthetwat

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

@scottthetwat

My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.

@scottthetwat

I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.

@scottthetwat

Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

@scottthetwat

Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.