When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.