if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere