people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law