me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls