@seandunn76

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

@seandunn76

Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.

K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.

Me: Hold me, Kensington.

@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@seandunn76

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

@seandunn76

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

@seandunn76

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

@seandunn76

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

@seandunn76

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

@seandunn76

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.