Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.
K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.
Me: Hold me, Kensington.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.