i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways