If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Oh. My. God.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section