I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
We have a winner.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
peak technology
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.