me and my fake scenarios
You Might Also Like
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.