To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
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PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.