me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
called in thicc to work this morning
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air