I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
This guy gets it.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Wise advice
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this