bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Banderslack Clamberdorch
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time