Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”