Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.