If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”