(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.