The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I don’t think my car can fly
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.