The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.