(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!