Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
that de-escalated quickly
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: