[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I’m crying im so happy for them
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.