I have so many questions.
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
don’t we all
every. time.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer