Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.