Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
#SuperBowl
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I would move hell over six inches for you
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.