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Page of shatterpants's best tweets

@shatterpants : I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.

@shatterpants: When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.

@shatterpants: I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming "There's still time"

@shatterpants: When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?" Then I frown & order the soup.

@shatterpants: If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it's that obese people can be long as they know kung fu.

@shatterpants: You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

@shatterpants: I like to tell people "it's a black thing, you wouldn't understand."And they'd be all "but you're white"
I told ya you wouldn't understand.

@shatterpants: I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

@shatterpants: Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.

@shatterpants: I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.