@shatterpants

I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.

@shatterpants

When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.

@shatterpants

I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”

@shatterpants

When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.

@shatterpants

If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.

@shatterpants

You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

@shatterpants

I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.

@shatterpants

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

@shatterpants

Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.

@shatterpants

I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.