We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name