All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.