Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.