her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling