Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I want this so bad
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol