*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.