One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Me: So I went to lunch.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Imagine me naked.