Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.