My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Happy weekend !
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn