Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
pep talk
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.