Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My five year plan is a meteorite
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word