Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps