Thinking about a snail with a limp
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars