WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself