FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent