Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
For the baby who has everything
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime