women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.