[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.