Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.