my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it