My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.