I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.