“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
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[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.